Empathetic Listening

Empathetic listening means listening with kindness in your mind and heart. It doesn’t mean that you must agree with the other person. All you need to do is accept that what they say is true for them.

It also means that you keep your attention on what the other person says instead of on your reaction. That may sound simple, but it can be difficult, and especially so when you’re in conflict with a person.

As you practice this meditation, you’ll discover the value in listening. It’s easier to hear another person when you don’t focus on your reaction. You’ll also be able to remain calm and neutral in what otherwise could have been a difficult situation, which will benefit both you and the other person.

When to Use This Technique

Use this meditation whenever someone speaks to you. We suggest that you start with people who don’t stir your emotions, and then gradually start using the meditation in more challenging situations.

Why it Works

This meditation brings your focus from yourself to the other person. Over time, this will help you be more fully present with other people and also with yourself.

The Technique

Take a moment to make a commitment to listening. Also, remind yourself that people communicate using words, body language, and emotions. Commit to listening in all these ways.

• Just as thoughts come and go, words also come and go. Direct your attention to each word the person speaks and allow yourself to experience what they’re telling you.
• Notice the person’s body language. For example, are their arms crossed or are they tapping their foot?
• Try to understand the person’s emotions. For example, listen to their tone of voice and watch their facial expressions.
• As you focus on the person, keep in mind that you’re committed to listening and not to reacting. Your only goal is to keep your attention on the other person and not yourself.
• As appropriate, let the other person know you’ve heard them. An effective way to do this is to restate what you heard and ask if you’re correct. For example, if a person recounted an argument with their spouse about housework, you might ask, “Do I have it right that you think your spouse isn’t doing enough around the house?”

Restating what you heard can yield good results. You may have understood correctly, but other times the person will probably say yes, you did understand, but what they mean is, and then the person will tell you more. In this way, restating can be a way of helping the other person get to the core of what they’re trying to communicate. Another approach is to ask for clarification or more information. For example, you might ask if this is a new problem of if the spouse has helped in the past.

• Try not to interrupt the person’s train of thought. Wait for a natural pause in the conversation before you speak, and then commit to listening to the response.
• Inevitably, you’ll experience reactions to what you hear. This doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. The purpose of the meditation is to let your reactions move through you while you keep your focus on the other person. In other words, you’re practicing not reacting. Each time a thought or other reaction claims your attention, gently return your focus to the speaker and continue to listen.
• After the other person finishes, it’s time to consider your reactions. If the other person wants to know what you think, you’ll be in a good position to tell them because you’ll have heard what they said. If the other person doesn’t ask for your opinion, you have a choice. Do you need to tell the person what you think? If so, why? These are questions to consider before making a response.

What We Learned Today

In the Empathetic Listening meditation, we learned to keep our awareness on what another person is saying and not on our reactions.

A Question that Sometimes Comes Up Is

I had difficulty focusing on the other person. How do I change that?

You may have tried too hard, or you may have tried listening in an emotional situation.

Try again, but this time, practice listening to a person with whom you don’t have an emotional connection. Also, remember that you’re learning a new skill. As with any skill, your proficiency will improve as you continue practicing.

Simply be the observer of your listening experience. No matter what your reaction is, return your awareness to the speaker.

You may not have considered it, but we can be aware of unlimited information at any given time. You can test this for yourself. When you practice listening, start by hearing the person’s words. Then observe the person’s body language. Finally, allow yourself to become aware of the person’s emotions. Notice how you can be aware of all these things at the same time.

To your health,
Totally Meditation