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Grief

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Ritual for release

Meditation and Ritual for Release

 

Burning paper ritualIn preparing a very private meditation I’ve decided to make it’s impact stronger and longer lasting by performing a ritual to go along with the meditation. For me it is going to be either a one time thing or a yearly ritual, it totally depends on how I feel about it when I am finished. The one I will be sharing with you is about letting go.

I thought I would share with you the concept so you can try it out for yourself.

The ritual in my case will be about letting go of guilt. After a year it still rears it’s ugly head now and again surrounding my mother’s last few weeks of life. Now don’t get me wrong, I do believe that guilt is a normal part of the grieving process, it is just that I have been holding on to it for too long and it feels like it is time to let it go.

My Ritual For Releasing (please change it according to your needs):

  • The first part can take as little or as long as you need in order to get to your true feelings about how and what you are letting go of.
    • Find a large sheet of paper and a comfortable private place to write. The reason I say private is that you will want to be as honest and real about what you are writing as possible and you may not want anyone else to see this.
    • Make a conscious decision about what it is you want to release. In my case it is (unwarranted) feelings of guilt.
    • Write down everything that you want to be rid of in relation to the one thing you have decided to focus on. This process could be really short – you may only have a sentence or two, or it could take hours. Be prepared to allow yourself as much time as you need.
  • The second part is how you are going to use this writing.
    • When you feel like you are finished writing find matches and a safe, fireproof place to burn the writing in. I will use a big metal bowl and I will do the ritual outside so I don’t set off any fire alarms. 🙂
    • Decide on a short sentence that sums up what it is that you are releasing, make it real and strong. For example if you want to release
      • a need to be right you could choose “I accept other people’s opinions as valid, even if they are different from mine.”
      • anger over something wrong that was done to you could be “I am finished being angry and I am moving on.”
      • the trick is to make it yours so it will feel more real.
    • You may want the place you do this to be completely private OR you could share this experience with someone who will be supportive of you.
    • Before you do your ritual, a short meditation can help you feel more grounded. Probably a simple deep breathing meditation will do the trick. Here is a sample of one you could use https://totallymeditation.com/breathing-part-2/
    • When you feel you are ready –
      • Place the paper in the bowl, pot, fireplace or whatever you are using.
      • Repeat the words you have chosen to say, and before the next step, take a moment to let them soak into you and feel real.
      • With your full concentration on the task at hand light the paper on fire. As it burns allow yourself to feel whatever comes up. The emotions could be anything from elation to sadness.
      • As the paper burns repeat the words you have chosen.
      • As the embers cool down say out loud “I let this go.”
      • Dispose of the ashes in an appropriate manner when they have cooled down.
    • When you are finished make sure you take at least a moment to enjoy the relief of releasing the thoughts that have held you back. Enjoy your freedom.

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Grief – letting emotions flow

bigstock-Mirror-Reflection-6607767Grief is an odd thing. One minute you are just fine and the next minute you are crying. In some cases allowing yourself to REALLY experience the pain as soon as it bubbles up, can relieve it. Let me explain.

When I think back to times of grief in my own life I see that pretending I was Ok may have made me appear to be calm and collected, but it also altered the pain into a dull ache that seemed to last forever instead of the short intense crying jag it would have been.

For me pushing the pain down and refusing to feel it while finishing up a project or waiting until it is “safe” to let it out turned the pain into a heavy dark mood that took much longer to dissipate.

(This is different from becoming involved in a hobby or pleasurable work that allows you to shift your focus from a feeling of loneliness to a feeling of involvement. That can be a wonderful coping technique, one I will likely write about in another article.)

The trick is to be with the emotions that come up, letting them run their course. They can run the whole gamut of human emotions and some of them may surprise you.

For example, I may start out feeling sad but if I let myself stay with the emotion for a couple of minutes I might find that underneath the sadness is boredom, loneliness or anger. Once I make that realization it frees me up to do something about the underlying emotion.

Or, perhaps the emotion that comes up IS just plain sadness with no other emotion underlying it. My choice then is do I stay in sadness or do I do something to bring me to another “place”? My personality and choices may be different from yours, follow your heart.

Here is one way of letting emotions flow more naturally

  • Find a place where you can be alone for at least 10 minutes. It is nice if you have the luxury of dedicating just as much time as you need to it, but even just a few short minutes of “going with the flow” good, bad or indifferent can feel like a relief. The bathroom may be the go to place if you are in a more public environment.
    • Grab some tissues and settle in
      • Take a couple of deep breaths, as you breath in, tell yourself that it is Ok to feel whatever it is you feel. Some words that may help you to relax into this could be –
        • I am aware of all the feelings and emotions that are coming up and I am strong and flexible enough to handle them.
        • It is normal and natural to feel this way.
        • This is how I feel right this moment, and I have a right to feel this way.
        • This mood may disappear just as quickly as it came.

      The idea is to give yourself full permission to feel whatever emotion is there.

    • As you breathe in, allow your muscles to relax,
      • Let your shoulders relax downwards. If you notice any muscles that feel tight take a long breath in and as you breathe out allow the tension to melt away from any areas of your body that feel tense.
      • You may find that the couple of minutes it took you get away may have already lessened the pain so you don’t feel the urge to cry anymore (yay!) If that is the case enjoy the reprieve 🙂 Or it may have sent it underground (boo!) In either case acknowledge that you are in a neutral mood and go on with your day.
      • In public places where noisy crying might be embarrassing, some things you could do to mask it is to turn some music on, or if you are in a washroom you could let the water run.
    • As you continue breathing deeply,  notice any thoughts that come up for you. Are those thoughts really true? How do they make you feel? Are the thoughts comforting,  or self punishing? Perhaps the thoughts themselves are neither bad or good, it is your reaction to them that triggers the emotions.
    • Notice how you react and know that you can choose to react differently next time. After all it is often how we react to our thoughts that cause the emotion. I find that sometimes when I am tired or hungry a thought that would otherwise pass through my brain without causing an emotion can make me feel bad. In that case perhaps simply taking care of your physical needs will help you back to a more balanced mood.

How do you know when you are finished?
It could be that you sense your mood is becoming lighter. Allow yourself to feel the lightness.

You might recognize your sadness break is over because you find yourself starting to think about what you have to do later, or maybe you become aware that sitting on the toilet is not exactly comfy and it is time to do something else.

There is a fine line between crying when you need to and getting stuck in sadness. The sadness may well hit again, so don’t hold onto it out of any sense that you are supposed to do this when you are grieving. Grief is different for everyone. Accept what is true for you.

 

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Grief Acceptance

This is my first article about grief, before, during and after someone you love passes from your life.

I started this section because for the last two or three years it has been on my mind. I have not written because I was going to keep this site all about beginner meditation.  Well, I think I will  take guidance from my heart and write about grief.

Today I write about my mother. She is dying – oh don’t get me wrong the doctors have not said so but she is wasting away. She is just skin and bones and a loving person in her frail abused and confused body. She is still my mother, she still gives me a big smile when I visit, but when I hug her I only feel her bones and frailty.

As she wastes away so much of life’s niceties are stripped away from our talks. I talk about people she knows and we look at old photos and now I bring in a sandwich for us to share every time I go to see her because all she eats now are tiny nibbles of her regular meals (heck – can’t really blame her – hospital food leaves a lot to be desired). She is not hungry but enjoys sharing a sandwich because it is a sharing of time and love.  I wish people she loves and trust would go in to see her every day and share food with her.  Of course that is because I want to keep her in this world longer. I don’t want to let her go, grief acceptance is slow to come to me.

There is so much I want to talk about but my story is so long, winding and (to me anyways) dramatic that I will leave each article with just one main thought.

Today’s thought
When I went to see her last, she was shifting around in her wheelchair so I asked her if she was uncomfortable. She said “Yes but there is nothing you or I can do about it”.

She who is so often confused was crystal clear in that concept.  At this point the discomfort is expected and a part of her letting go.  Sorry folks wish I had a happy thought but this is it for today.  There is nothing she or I can do about it, except the unspoken words were … accept it.

I love you Mom.